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Recently I had an interesting conversation with a massage therapist.
For a change, I was the client. Or so was the plan. As soon as she heard what I do, the roles became blurry, and we ended up having a double session of massage and therapy.
She was mirroring my recent dilemma over a forced relationship which termination I was still debating. The only difference was that hers was romantic and mine was not.
Hearing myself ask the questions and my explanations to her replies, I realised that our mutually beneficial encounter was one of Self’s confirmation messages, and she, the messenger. (For those who don’t know what I refer to, I recommend you read Conversations with Self book.)
You know, that serendipitous meeting you have with a stranger who confirms what you’ve been thinking about with a story of their own that seems totally unrelated, but who speaks volumes to you.
To be a meeting of Self, you also deliver a message to them, generally an advice or a confirmation they need, and if you pay attention, you’ll realise that whatever you utter in that moment is the very answer to your questions regarding your current dilemma.
So why do we force relationships when from the start our instincts tell us that is not meant to be? Or worse, that the person in case has all the character traits of either what we most hate in others, or of our past sour disappointments?
As she was giving me her list of maybes trying to justify her man’s behaviour, I found myself smiling wide with my face pressed on the massage table: ‘I have a whole chapter in my book describing exactly the maybe situation you’re in.’
Maybe it’s too soon. Maybe I misinterpreted. Maybe I did or said something that caused that. Maybe I’m too exigent. Maybe I project my past issues.
We are so creative when it comes to talking ourselves into a situation that we know deep down will end just as we intuited from the beginning. And we persist despite the signs. We find them excuses. Worse, we modify our behaviour to accommodate theirs. From then on, we become the victims of our cognitive dissonance fears:
‘Their behaviour can’t possibly be what it looks like. Otherwise, that will mean that I was right from the beginning, and that makes me a fool who’s been taken for a ride by someone bellow my standards, with my consent! And that would be another blow to my sense of self-worth, for that would mean that I haven’t learned my lessons. And I had enough of lessons; I just want it to be true this time!’
We do everything we can to prove ourselves wrong, and they do everything to prove us right. We then get caught in our fight for the underdog. The more they disrespect us, the stronger our arguments in their defence. Then we wonder why we feel more and more disempowered in that relationship and how on earth the roles have now reversed. Before we know it, we find ourselves fighting to regain our initial position of dignity and respect, which by now they’ve claimed as theirs, and unlike you, they’re now trying to have an ascendent over you. If stupidly you put yourself down to raise them to your level, they do the opposite. They put you down to raise themselves above you. You feel it with every fibber of your being, and if you try to bring it to their attention, they accuse you of exactly their behaviour. From then on, you’re lost. Given your genuine nature, you fall in their doubt trap. And since nobody is better qualified than you at the maybe game and at defending the underdog, you give them the benefit of the doubt and rule, once again, against you.
‘So, does he deserve you?’ I asked her at the end of a more elaborate explanation.
“He has to work for it.”
I wanted to jump from the table! She had just given herself the answer, but she didn’t want to hear it.
If somebody has to work to deserve our presence, they aren’t worth it, and we know it implicitly. The only reason we give them that ‘chance to redeem themselves’ is because we are tired of trying, of new beginnings, of disappointments, and insist to make this relationship work against its odds.
‘What do you admire in this person?’
“Nothing!”
‘What did you see in him when you decided to allow him into your life, then? He had a gift for you, which you’ve craved, even if it was a poison, as gifts come in all forms.’
“A big ego, which I disliked instantly.”
‘Look deeper.’
“He had this powerful energy… Since I was a child, I was attracted to this dominant allure…”
‘So you fell prey to your childhood’s fantasies. Look deeper. What did you really see in him to make you give him a chance, despite your instincts?’
“Well, we had a nice walk, and it fell right. He seemed to want more from life. He had past problems with drugs and alcohol…”
‘Go no further! The classic wounded healer syndrome!’
“Yeah! He actually said, ‘you are good for me’, and I believe I am. Despite him being in his 40’ and 14 years older than me, I pay for everything, on top of making all the efforts, including basic chores. I know he is not the right one for me, but he doesn’t let me go.”
‘What do you mean he doesn’t let you go?’
“I don’t mean it as him keeping me hostage. I mean it as in him turning everything around, making me doubt myself to the point of not knowing now who I am and what I stand for.”
‘What is your instinct telling you to do?’
“To run!”
‘Then what are you waiting for?’
“I have to book a session with you! When are you available?”
‘We’ll sort that later, now answer yourself that question.’
“I guess, I’m waiting to get as low or lower than I was before in my past relationship to get my confirmation that I was right from the beginning and that I deserve more… Clearly, I haven’t learned my lesson! But what keeps me despite knowing all that?”
‘On a scale from 0 to 10, where is your self-esteem now? How much do you feel you deserve in life?’
“10! I know my worth and I deserve the best,” came too soon and too emphatically her answer.
‘I know that, and I know that you know that. My question was where do you feel on that scale, not what you believe. There is a difference between what we feel and what we think; proof in our dissonant choices and actions.’
After a brief pause, she answered, “About 7 – 8.”
‘Now, that’s not 10, is it? And is more 4-5 than 7-8. Dig deeper and tell me how that feels.’
“I guess I got used to life being hard. To working hard for everything I had,” mentioning the classic childhood abandonment case of divorced parents and absent father figure.
“I know that I’m looking to find in men, especially older men than me, the father I never had.”
What she didn’t realise was that she was attracted to men that would treat her like her father to support her childhood abandonment belief that she wasn’t worth loving, making an effort for, cherishing.
It was my advice bouncing back from the sounding board she was, which made it clear, once again, that everything I was going through was preparing me for the next person I was supposed to help – through my experience.
‘Stop that inner debate of maybes and listen to your first instinct. Stop looking at others to give you the answers as to your worth and decide for yourself.
Sit with yourself in silence and decide your parameters, your values, then check the person against them. If they meet them, they stay. If not, they go. As simple as that. No debate, no pop psychology and cheap philosophising. Better take the initiative and pay for your decisions than wait and pay for the decisions others made for you. At least in that scenario you’ll have no doubt whose fault it was and will know what to correct.
Start taking yourself seriously. Treat yourself with the respect you expected them to treat you. See yourself as you are. And stop compromising. If you know you are worth a 10, and are giving a 10, accept nothing less from anyone.
And open your eyes. Just like in nature there are preys and predators, life-sustaining plants, and parasites, so are in the human world. You’ll never see a parasite attaching itself to a poisonous plant or to another parasite. The same goes for the human nature.’
The disaster in human relationships we are experiencing now resulting in the epidemy of mental health conditions has been created by the political correctness censorship on our behaviour and by the misleading positive psychology sold under different forms.
From the religious ‘turn the other cheek’, to the New Age ‘all is love’ nonsense, and the social programming turning us into compliant, easy to rule citizens, we have been trained to dismiss our intuition and to deny ourselves the right to fulfilling reciprocal healthy relationships.
Take the time to define your values and boundaries and decide to live and die by your code.
Only then you’ll be worthy of your life, the only one worth living.
© Gratiela Rosu 2021
If you feel this article applies to you and need help to establish your healthy boundaries so you can finally enjoy reciprocal healthy and fulfilling relationships, drop me an email at either getwisernow0@gmail.com or info@gratielarosu.com and let’s take you there.
